...Clarice Woodcrafter-Park had just awoken as she looked over at her lazy son of a bitch husband Rufus Woodcrafter, who was sleeping and snoring and would continue to do so for at least the next five hours (or at least so she thought). She got up out of bed, and jumped for the shower. She missed, and sprained her ankle on the toilet. "This is going to be one helluva day" she thought. Then, the phone rang. Rufus turned over, but like any real man, he merely put her pillow over his head to stop from hearing the phone. Half-naked, Clarice reached for the phone and picked it up as she heard the voice of old Mr. Silas Grover. "Clarice, I just spoke with my daughter Goldina, and it seems that my grandson Clem is just no where to be found. It appears that he's been missing for a half a day, but we don't know where! We called the police, but all they said was, 'We eatin' donuts you stupid old man!', so now we come to you Clarice, you are the only private investigator in the county."
Knowing this to be true, Clarice realized that she would soon have the tough case of finding Poor Clem Grover. (Because as we all know, she won't really want to find him, beings that he's in the stomach of a large, large Biggs.--Of course maybe by now he's turned into refuse--just a thought) So, she got herself dressed and wandered to the Grover household. This was indeed bold, because as we all know, the Grover houselhold is a scary place indeed. It may just be the filthymost place ever in the history of the world. There is so rancid a smell, that in the past three years there have been seven suicides attributed to Grandma Grover's right sock alone. Clarice, however, being the smart cookie that she is, knew enough to bring with her a gas mask and a portable fumigator. Upon her entrance she was forced to fend off three maggots the size of Lichenstein.
She then conversed with Goldina Grover, and headed for the exit, where she could once again find transparent air. She left the Grover househod, and headed for town, where she noticed that Old Man Satchel wasn't in his normal spot. . .
. . .Clarice had a bad feeling about this day from the moment she sprained her ankle on the toilet, but she had no idea, as she looked to the ground, that she'd find Clem Grover's lower intestine. . .
THIS VERSION REMAINS UNFINISHED