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Iggy Rausch’s Sworn Enemy

Iggy Rausch’s Sworn Enemy

2013.08.25 3:36 pm0 comments

from Ignatius J. Rausch…The Fattest Kid In The World!

Though some children were kind and some children were not, only one child was Iggy Rausch’s sworn enemy.

His name was Claude-Michel Murderbirth, though he tried to go by “Mike”. Claude’s favorite pass-time was passing time thinking about sporting events. Claude had memorized every statistic of every player on every important baseball team from 1927 through the present, and using a complex algorithm involving two pairs of dice, some string and a cat placed inside a shoe box, he had also invented, and then memorized, every statistic of every player on every important baseball team running 19 years into the future. And counting. He was only slowed by the diffuculty of keeping the cat in the box for long periods.

Claude spoke very, very fast. So fast, that he could, in less than a minute, recite every statistic from every player on every important baseball team from 1927 through 19 years into the future. An open heart might view this as a special talent, but in everyday conversation, it made Claude very, very hard to understand.

Claude was die hard fan of the Baltimore Colts, a group of men who played “Football”, a game played at least 50% with the hands, and the Baltimore Orioles, a group of men who played “Baseball,” which revolved 100% around “bases.” It is entirely possibly that there were other sports teams of which Claude was also a die hard fan, but Iggy didn’t really know of any other sports besides “Soccer,” his experience with which being covered in a separate chapter.

In fact, Iggy didn’t really understand sports at all. Football was something his father liked to shout at sometimes on TV. “Hot Dog!” he would shout, when a blurry little man was running away from another little man, or “Get him!” he would shout, when a blurry little man on the other team was doing the running. The upshot for Iggy was that his dad would often have popcorn while watching the game, and while he was shouting, Iggy would eat the popcorn.

Baseball was just a complete mystery until many, many years later when he saw a film about a man who throws a baseball with his father’s ghost.

There were many causes of the trouble that ensued between Iggy Rausch and Claude-Michel Murderbirth. Maybe Iggy Rausch made fun of Claude-Michel Murderbirth’s unusually violent surname, or the rapidity of his speech. Maybe Claude made fun of Iggy Rausch being the fattest kid in the world, or getting 14 cartons of chocolate milk from the milk table every day. But mostly, they became enemies because of their mutual friend, Ronald Whye.

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