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Launch of Operation: Biggs!

Launch of Operation: Biggs!

2013.02.21 3:07 am0 comments

As this is the internet, we are here with some FAQs, before you even had the chance to A them:

What is Operation: Biggs?

That’s not really the right question. The correct question that you want to start with is:

How “big” is this alleged “Biggs” really?

Here is the thing, Dear Reader: Biggs is big. This is, first and foremost, evident from the nomenclature. Biggs is big, was big, and has been being big since at least the 70s.

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The Only Thing Bigger in the 70s

 

But, Reader: There are many kinds of “big.”

Here are some categories of BIG

REALLY BIG

NBC-Reality-Show-Big. This is the kind of big where walking around Wal*Mart makes you winded and you take the scooter. Biggs is not this big. He can still fit in one airline seat.

FREAK OF NATURE BIG

Anyone who uses a geological feature or a car part as a nickname and/or is on the offensive line of an NFL team. This is the kind of big where The Walt Disney Corporation eventually puts you in a movie with a child because the dichotomy will seem “cute.”

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Biggs is not this big either.

QUITE LARGE

Asked to play Santa occasionally despite the anxiety that comes from lying to children. A bit of a tight squeeze on a roller coaster. Widely considered jovial.  But big enough to seem “unhealthy.” This is the category that is most akin to the bigness of our dear Biggs.

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Dear Old Biggs, that chunky bastard.

GENERALLY LARGE

This is a largeness born of genetics and some muscle, without the chub. This, Dear Reader, Dear Dear PATIENT Reader, is the goal…of Operation: Biggs!

So seriously, what the **** is Operation:Biggs!? Because continually typing “!?” sets my teeth on edge.

Operation:Biggs! is an ongoing project to downgrade Biggs from QUITE LARGE to GENERALLY LARGE. Its goal is to eliminate the “unhealthy” part.

Look for actual strategies in a future update, but know that they include Kiva.org, #tweetitdonteatit, and John Boehner (R-Ohio).

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Yes, this jerk.

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