As this is the internet, we are here with some FAQs, before you even had the chance to A them:

What is Operation: Biggs?

That’s not really the right question. The correct question that you want to start with is:

How “big” is this alleged “Biggs” really?

Here is the thing, Dear Reader: Biggs is big. This is, first and foremost, evident from the nomenclature. Biggs is big, was big, and has been being big since at least the 70s.

The Only Thing Bigger in the 70s

 

But, Reader: There are many kinds of “big.”

Here are some categories of BIG

REALLY BIG

NBC-Reality-Show-Big. This is the kind of big where walking around Wal*Mart makes you winded and you take the scooter. Biggs is not this big. He can still fit in one airline seat.

FREAK OF NATURE BIG

Anyone who uses a geological feature or a car part as a nickname and/or is on the offensive line of an NFL team. This is the kind of big where The Walt Disney Corporation eventually puts you in a movie with a child because the dichotomy will seem “cute.”

Biggs is not this big either.

QUITE LARGE

Asked to play Santa occasionally despite the anxiety that comes from lying to children. A bit of a tight squeeze on a roller coaster. Widely considered jovial.  But big enough to seem “unhealthy.” This is the category that is most akin to the bigness of our dear Biggs.

Dear Old Biggs, that chunky bastard.

GENERALLY LARGE

This is a largeness born of genetics and some muscle, without the chub. This, Dear Reader, Dear Dear PATIENT Reader, is the goal…of Operation: Biggs!

So seriously, what the **** is Operation:Biggs!? Because continually typing “!?” sets my teeth on edge.

Operation:Biggs! is an ongoing project to downgrade Biggs from QUITE LARGE to GENERALLY LARGE. Its goal is to eliminate the “unhealthy” part.

Look for actual strategies in a future update, but know that they include Kiva.org, #tweetitdonteatit, and John Boehner (R-Ohio).

Yes, this jerk.