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Who is John Boehner? Why is he that color? And what does it have to do with Biggs?

Who is John Boehner? Why is he that color? And what does it have to do with Biggs?

2013.02.24 6:12 pm0 comments

Who is John Boehner?

He’s a Republican congressman from Ohio, who just so happens to be the biggest jerk in the Republican party. So they elected him their king, and now he spends his days cracking unfunny sex jokes and taking positions based on stopping the President from ever achieving anything that might help the country.

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Whatever, nerd.

A smoker with a strangely orange skin tone, John Boehner is the most odious national politician of whom Biggs is aware. And understand  dear reader, that the thought of giving money to someone like this makes Biggs queasy at a minimun.

Why is he that color?

Some blame spray tanning. Others assume it is the warm sandy beaches of tropical sub-saharan Ohio, from whence he hails. 

But there is another theory. One that the sodastream media won’t even talk about. One that is being kept underwraps by a secret cabal of the world’s largest candy manufacturers. Ask yourself: have we SEEN the birth certificate? Do we KNOW he’s even human?

Or is John Boehner (R-OH), the speaker of the United States House of Representatives, husband, father, PURPORTED human, ACTUALLY:

An Oompa Loompa?

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WHERE’S THE LONG FORM GOLDEN TICKET? 

So hey, what does any this have to do with the ongoing ensmallification of Biggs?

Simply put, Biggs promises to give $250 (189.70 in socialist Euros) to John Boehner’s reelection campaign if he can’t lose 30 pounds (13.6 in communist kilograms) in six months.

The deadline is 8/20/2013 (or 20 August 2013 in godless European date structuring). 

He is, in fact, “holding the country hostage” according to this noted leftist: 

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modest contribution to a congressional reelection campaign is all that stands between the United States and a nationwide takeover by jackbooted fascists, aided by militias!

So he’d better lose the weight.

Is there a “best part”?

Yes! The best part is that several of Biggs’ friends have already signed a totally legally binding post-it note to give $15 (half of the 30 lbs) to Kiva.org, which provides microloans to entrepeneurs throughout the developing world, on the condition that Biggs loses the weight. 

Prepared by top legal minds.

If our crack team of internet mice can figure out how, we’ll set up a pledge page so YOU can get in on the action!

 

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